14 March 2012

three part(ie)s

Did you know that finding out you are being published does not make rejection notices any more fun? You will still sit and scream at your computer and the editors.

People who come to your door selling magazine subscriptions for their trips to Europe should know to never insult the prospective buyer.  

When in public, it is always fun to adapt a foreign accent. British and Aussie are most preferential, because no matter what you say, it will come out sounding lovely.

You won't mean it of course. None of it. Not the name calling or the bizarre obscenities (like "You wet-faced noodle-headed bologna wart!") you come up with to avoid the real thing.You love them. And you'll never be naive enough to think that one acceptance notice makes you Shakespeare.

As for the guy who informs you that "can't" means "capable and not trying," you will find yourself thinking, I hope that you are stuck here forever.

But beware. Because there will always be that clerk at the airport shop who gives you big shiny lovey eyes when he hears you speak, thinking, How wonderful it is that you are here, and you are British, and you are inquiring as to the price of my baseball caps.

You'll know it makes you better than Shakespeare. That punk stole like the Hamburgler.

You will be stuck in pseudo-Brit until you leave. Because you can't bear to leave him thinking you a fraud.

And I hope that one day, when you are watching one of those grasshopper planes bebop overhead, you realize what an idiot you were.

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