|Give up, and start breathing|
I don't think of giving up as a failure. Not a complete one, anyway. But look ... once you've tried so hard so much for so long you're allowed a break from trying. Or maybe, your universe will tell you it's time to take a break from trying. Or maybe it's God breathing in your ear, "Hey, honey, what I'm trying to tell you is just stop trying so hard." Or maybe that's your roommate. Or your family. Or if you're honest it's nobody but your body is starting to wear out on you and your bones ache in the mornings and your nose runs and your stomach turns and everything around and inside you is just saying, "Okay ... enough."
I went to bed last night around one and one of the last thoughts I can remember thinking was thinking, "Am I Black enough yet?" and in a dream I was checking my hands in the dark and when I couldn't see them it was enough.
I wrote in my journal that I can't tell if my students stay in my classes because they like what I'm doing or they're just stuck with me and no better alternatives and I closed my journal on the signing of my name thinking that's enough.
I started thinking about a song I used to love called "Small Enough" in which the singer sings, "Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now" and now all I can think is that maybe God starts singing back, "Yes, you, too" and I wonder if I'm small enough yet but I don't think so.
Today I'm giving up on being big and giving little a little room to breathe.